Jokes from my email

Pets

 THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite  words, playing soft music, and
anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he shouted at the parrot. The parrot
shouted back. John shook the parrot, and the Parrot got angrier
and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed
the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was
total quiet; not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arm and said "I believe Imay have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct
my rude and unforgivable behaviour".

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behaviour, the bird continued, 

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

 4. Rottweiler: Make me.

 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
dark.

 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light
bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these
people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make
just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing
off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see
a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet
in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking
light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

 How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

 Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So,
the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS,
CATS HAVE STAFF!

 A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he
wants to buy a pet that can do everything.  The shop
owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way!  A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've
got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede?  I can't imagine a
centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a
centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede,
"Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...
it's immaculate!  All the dishes and silverware have
been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops
cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed.
He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and
dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants
watered.  The man thinks to himself, "This is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen.  This really is a pet
that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner
and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door.  10 minutes
later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede.
30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man
is wondering what's going on.  So he goes to the front
door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting
right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!  I sent you down to the corner
store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.  What's the
matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'!  I'm goin'!  I'm just
putting on my shoes and my skis!"

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

Chicken's day off!