jokes from my email
Just a mix of everything
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and
told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the
first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith,
Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new
guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115 pounds," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
In case you may need a laugh: Always remember that it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one!
Reassurance for all those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
THREE EXPECTANT DADS
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.
The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced
to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He
was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was
a member of the Minnesota Twins team.
A little later the nurse came out again and said to the
next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets.
He was so a happy, and said, "Isn't that a coincidence --
I work for 3M."
The other father took off like a shot -- the nurse ran after
him, saying, "Where are you going?"
Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling
something about his work at 7UP.
A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded,
"Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right
ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million
years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then
he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God
said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully
said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
You know you're not a kid anymore when...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
You answer a question with "because i said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's
lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather
channel "old folks MTV.")
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the
bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop
through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell."
But wait...there's more!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on
his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless
campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop
continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from
this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by
allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and the armless man's brother
stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most
wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned
to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the
spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this
second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has
happened?" the first asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?" "I
don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
"but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
Holy Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."
Clever Dog
A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its
mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the
meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking
around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"
"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the
meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog
enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and
begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings
open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the
most clever animal I've ever seen!"
"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week
he's forgotten his keys!"
The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her
out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out
of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands
it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye
back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they
go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,
she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO
incredible!!!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman.� Are you
this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . . "
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Rules For Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind
me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in
case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing
me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right
to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When
you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's
nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story
about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you
received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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